“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
You Might Also Like
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.