I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
🤣
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]