Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
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My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast