Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
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Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
excuse me
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.