My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears