With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart