8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
From a friend in the Nat鈥檒 lPark Service. They鈥檝e thought this through.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he鈥檚 turned evil and I鈥檓 probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Spa day..馃槄
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
If they鈥檙e right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I鈥檓 cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don鈥檛 have to fix up this freaking house any more
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.