getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
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I can’t deal with men any longer
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.