Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.