I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
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WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”