“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
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Perfection.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Seek kebab; not attention
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Sunday
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
‘I know a black person’
– White people