Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
You Might Also Like
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
This kid is a star!
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Customize Your Wedding.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.