I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
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Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Gods work.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn