I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
You Might Also Like
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.