Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
This week’s mood.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.