Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
fired
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.