FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
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*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.