I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
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Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?