Boy never ceases to amaze me
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I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Finally a use for spoilers…
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.