Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
✌️
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.