[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
You Might Also Like
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Natty or not?
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.