she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired