Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
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I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
security at the airport getting more straightforward
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children