Forever 21… pounds overweight
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.