Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Breaking news:
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Um … Hot Wings please
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie