All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
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[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
seems like a niche market
These are too funny not to post 😂
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
guilty
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.