Am I having a stroke?
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Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog