When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Eat…
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.