Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
*has no idea what a book even is*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Squirrels before girls.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.