Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. Iโm sorry ๐๐๐๐
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and youโre like glad i missed out on that shit
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thineโฆpound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I canโt afford a security system so Iโve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of โdishes in the sink are lavaโ
Husband: Iโd rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. Iโm getting my own room???
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
โThe 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo Universityโ – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and Iโm pasting it here in a thread
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Body by sandwich.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
When youโre running late, donโt tell your kids youโre running late cause they wonโt move any faster and theyโll say fun things like, โIโm fine being lateโ.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.