Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea