You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Who’s your best friend?