If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.