ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
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I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction