“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Worth a try
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?