[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Jurassic park gets weird
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick