They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.