I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
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dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.