Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?