the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
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This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.