My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’