GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
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I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”