“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Finally
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day