My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.