CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
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waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.