[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
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[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Smells like a challenge to me
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use