If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
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HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
The Others (2001)
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”