Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”