The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear