Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.